I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
