Umm I'm too high to move.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
