Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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