Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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