I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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