why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
