Pants 0. Shit 1.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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