I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
