I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
