Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
