I just threw up on my dentist
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
We left the knife in your bed.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
