Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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