Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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