My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
