when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
