I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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