The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
