just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize