I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
