Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
