the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize