All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
