Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Randomize
