I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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