So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
he laminated a picture of his dick.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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