I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
