My underwear smells like fireworks.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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