Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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