i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
