if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You need a sexual gate keeper
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
