if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
