you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
