meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
