Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
