I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
