I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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