Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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