Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
