the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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