last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
