dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
