I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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