Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
