Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
