So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I think I won the penis lottery.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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