How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
