he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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