Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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