I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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