My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So vagazzling was a success
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
