Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
