DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
