After last night, I could never be a politician.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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