Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
