Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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