yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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