At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize