Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
