Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
