Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
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