6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
