We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
